Essays written by Wendell Charles NeSmith.
April 26, 2012
Life or death? Irrelevant. The framework in which I was called to employ has been completed. All that is required is for the right set of eyes to examine the fruits of my labour and the possibility of revolutions within many fields of study will manifest. Whether our species has the ability to overcome its problems depends on whether we can exercise care and particularity within our systems. If we remain without care of each other, unable to gain the understanding as to why people do the things they do, then devolution will continue and business as usual within our capitalistic framework will destroy our lives.
I have pioneered the deepest and most dangerous waters of the sea. I have taken the burdens of the world upon my shoulders and made a thorough attempt to resolve them. I have achieved what everyone told me throughout my life was impossible. Every step of the way society has pushed on me the conception that one man can not make a difference. The collective will did not want a pioneer. It did not think possible the grandiose ideals that I have strived for. It laughed at the possibility of the ideal individual that I dreamed of. For I was only a dreamer and their society in which they rest indoctrinated them into believing that dreams could not possibly manifest themselves into our world.
But now you are speechless as I have actualised the superhuman that I have always dreamed to be. You once mocked my aspirations but now all you can do is stare with your mouths wide open. I am no longer mocked but instead persecuted. The high ideals I have obtained which you claimed impossible are now apart of me and this makes you uncomfortable. When you see for your own eyes the fruits of a truly divine being, you consider your own lives. Upon initial investigation you observe things that make you uncomfortable so you immediately abandon the project. Now standing in front of you is one who has completed that project and you feel inferior.
But since you abandoned the project to examine your own life, how are you to react to me? Your solution is either to stay away from me or persecute me. The need to justify your own life pumps fiercely through your veins and you create irrational methodologies to cope with your own inadequacies. And what better way to justify yourself than to demonstrate yourself to be the exact person that I am explaining to you that you are. The very fact that you feel the drive to justify your own actions with arrogance demonstrates clearly that what I am saying is accurate, at least in your case. Your defence mechanisms are working hard in attempts to sustain the lifestyle that you have chosen. And upon me shining light on your own understandings, your reaction is to protect your current state of existence. Instead of standing back and examining what I am speaking about, you instead burn the flower that stands before you.
Lower your guard my friend and take the punches. For these punches are administered to show you how to be a better human being. When you are a better human being, everybody around you is also a better human being. And there is no pursuit more worthy to our kind than learning how to be better human beings. And I do not tell you how to be this ideal, for that is locked away within yourself. Instead I erect sign posts to assist you to get to where you truly want to be. Drop your fists and open your heart. I am its doctor.
I have scaled to the heights of the roughest terrain of the mountains. I have found God's commandments to be locked within each individual's heart. On top of the mountain God gifted me with a universal key and I now present this key to you so that you are able to make a copy. All that is required of you is to manifest the necessary equipment in order to make a duplicate. You are my comrade and I only want what is best for you. But it is your own conditioned psychology that you must understand before you will notice that this key is made of gold. But you too must obtain the raw material before its mirror image is reachable.
Do you understand? I have completed the basic framework of my calling and now it is up to you. Today I am unable to place force down when I slide the blade over my wrist. Maybe tomorrow will be different but I can only work with the moment. I have gifted you with two courses on the only topics in existence that matter: it and its end. I have outlined and pointed you to not only my perspective, but how you too can achieve your own perspective. I have carried out my God given work to provide you with the means to not only improve yourself, but the world. I have given my all to you so that one day we as a species might become grand. The rest is up to you.
As far as me, I am done with this life. I do not wish to exist. I have learned to no longer care about anything. But God secures my hand away from my wrist and this causes a problem concerning my future. But I guess this too is not really a problem, for I no longer care about it. Every day I will attempt to muster up enough courage to end my life. The past, present, or future is no longer any concern for me. All I must worry about is all this stuff around me as I walk through hell. To live directly and only in the present is my fate. That is if you can call what I am doing, “living”.
Tomorrow I am handing myself over to the mental health services who have been attempting to get their hands on me for the last year. I want to make it clear that I am not handing myself over to them for “help”. Their systems lack the ability to do that. Instead they can “deal” with me. I understand all too well how their systems function and all that is in store for me there is solitary confinement. But it is you society that has brought about the conditions required to form someone like me. Therefore you will have to deal with me for as long as I live with your own tax dollars. You have given me no opportunities to make a life for myself and as a result I no longer care about life whatsoever. I will play the role that you push on me.
I am through talking. You don't listen anyway. I am cutting my voice in more ways than one. All I have ever done for you people is try and love and help, but your cold hands beat by body lifeless and I no longer trust your intentions nor illogical opinions. It is you that has created this mental patient, for all he ever wanted was your love. So I will give myself over to the very systems that have destroyed my life. I will present my wrists but not my voice. I will no longer concern myself with anything whatsoever. I will be free from your malice and care of your opinions of me. I will live out each moment invested in that particular moment with no concern of anything outside of that. I no longer desire to provide you any content whatsoever because of your constant disrespect. I have completed what it was that I was sent down to do, so now nothing else matters for me. I am more than happy to live out my life entirely mute. It will not be much different than the life that I have lived.
Do you understand what I have done? I have carefully analysed the two polarisations of the human in two university-grade educational courses: life and death. I have covered all my bases required to explain to you a reflected life. I have broken through the barriers of our current education infrastructures and come out on top. I have taken on society and won. Everything you have told me that I can not do I have done in a very short period of time. I have paved a way for a potential educational, sociological, theological, and philosophical revolution. The framework is now available to every human being on this planet to become more than they are if they so choose. All that is needed is for a few individuals to jump on board and our species is then headed for a new golden age. I have won because my work is done. With this consideration in mind, I no longer care about life. I have given you absolutely everything I have in me and you have taken the opportunity to bleed me dry. I fought against and defeated your ignorant understandings. I won by obtaining the self that you reject as impossible.
But I am a philosopher and am not without a plan. Even though I share the same fate as my predecessor, Saint Nietzsche, does not mean that I am out of cards. I have one card left up my sleeve. Maybe Nietzsche did as well but it was overlooked. Or maybe it was his destiny to prepare the path for me. Dearest Nietzsche, it was you who were the image of the divine. You never claimed yourself as a superman but instead created the foundations for us to understand what being a superman might entail. Despite all your physical and mental sickness, you were the most healthy of us all. You were always the first superman. I can only walk in your footsteps. And for this, I give you all of my honour for the last two courses. Your life offered more saintly fruits than any other declared saint that I have studied. I give you all my respect and gratitude my dear teacher. I see your halo that you present as horns.
The card up my sleeve is nothing more than simple addition. I have spent my life learning and therefore have accumulated such a vast understanding of things and the possibility for courses seem infinite. But you will get nothing more from me until you enable the necessary conditions in order to allow me to be who I am. I desire to help all of humanity to the best of my ability but you do not allow me to do this. This course on suicide is only an introduction to most of the topics that our human minds battle with. My course on life is only the manifold of some of the problems that we struggle with in this life. These topics journey much deeper and my own mind understands many of these perspectives well. I have countless courses travelling and building through my mind and the only question that remains is whether you want them or not. Even at this very moment I have the outlines of over ten courses prepared in my head ready for my pen to hit the paper. I have hundreds of courses only waiting for new material to make sense of their relations. Now let us do some basic mathematics considering the person that I am.
Let us say that I will only live thirty more years. Let us also assert that I only produce and release six educational courses a year to all of humanity via the Internet. This means that I would of produced over one hundred and eighty educational courses entirely free for everybody in the world to make use of. But you will not enable the conditions to allow me to carry out this noble pursuit. And my response is to do exactly what I am doing this very moment. Is adhering to your currency based systems really worth more than this?
So after countless attempts to rectify these issues, both you and your systems scream “no!” After many years of trying so hard to be the best that I could be for you people, your very spit reaches my face. I give absolutely everything that I have within myself to you and my only trophies to bring home are slimy and yellow. Seriously, why should I bother trying to make the world a better place? Your mucus tells a story. It is a representation of you.
In order to cope with your cruelty I will retreat into my own mind. I will be locked up in a room and refuse the application of speech, except for any black swans that I might discover. I will keep a notebook on my person and spend my time reflecting and studying. Notebook after notebook will be course after course ready for production. My life will be revolved around the desire to help our species, but only if it desires to help itself. These notebooks will pile up and be stored in a secure location. If I only complete one notebook per month, do your mathematics... And these notebooks will remain in vain if no one comes to claim them, that is me. The wasted potential as a result of our systems is exposed for exactly the same problems that I have been explaining to you throughout this course. I am holding myself as a hostage and the ransom is the only human necessity: love. When I obtain this, the courses will go into production and every human being will have the opportunity to benefit from what I have to offer. And all this is worth zero dollars and I am proud of that fact. To hand over the ability to find oneself is more precious than any of your coins. What is true value?
I could spend the rest of my life developing a sustainable model for the future of education. I know its follies from experience and I can fix them. I can implement donation optional based systems that encourage the best and most passionate teachers to invest their talents into the Internet. And you know what, even if I do not do it then eventually the poorly structured systems will do it but only corrupting the ideal: a cheap copy.
What is the value of this course to you? What about ten courses structured in a similar manner? What is the value of my own unique identity? How much is my life worth? Are you going to write this homeless warrior off as you do to all the others that you turn your head away from as you walk the streets? Is the opinion of one man just as valuable as another? Is the opinion of one man less valuable than the collective's? Is my own life really as worthless as you demonstrate to me?
Eleftheria i thanatos. Freedom or death.